I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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