the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
