im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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