Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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