tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
