Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
