I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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