The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
