Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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