I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
