So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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