rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
why do cheetos always look like penises
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
