I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
