As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
