dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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