Got a toothbrush?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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