Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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