shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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