Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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