don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize