Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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