Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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