he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Found your dick twin last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
