he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
