I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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