Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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