K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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