I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
