Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
