Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
