1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
