i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
