we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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