I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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