I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
