you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize