Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize