I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
