Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
