A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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