Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
