this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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