I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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