i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
