Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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