Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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