The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
