Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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