so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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