I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
