Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
