Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
