I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize