He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
