i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
