nut hugger
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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