Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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