Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
