my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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