She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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