im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
