I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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