Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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