So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
