i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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