easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
