I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
