If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
