I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
