Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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