ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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