pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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