You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
