if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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