My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize