First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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